December 29, 2002
Source Or Parallel?

Dean Esmay of Dean's World writes:

I propose the following all be considered "Crimes Against America" and subject those heinous enough to commit them to immediate loss of citizenship and expulsion from U.S. territory:

  1. Asking for any Ray Charles song to be turned down. Ever.
  2. Not being able to name at least one John Wayne movie you've seen and liked.
  3. Being found in possession of a degree in French Literature.
  4. Not buying Girl Scout Cookies when your office mates ask you to.
  5. Proof that you never cried for even a second during Saving Private Ryan.
  6. Making any statement implying anything bad about Jimmy Stewart.

It almost sounds like Dean has been listening to "She Never Cried", by Confederate Railroad. Here are the lyrics, transcribed from their first album, also called Confederate Railroad (1992) -- they don't seem to be available anywhere on the web:

She never cried when Old Yeller died,
She wasn't washed in the Blood of the Lamb,
She never stood up for the Star Spangled Banner,
And she wasn't a John Wayne fan.

Her baby blue eyes hid the warning signs:
That woman was bad to the bone.
She never cried when Old Yeller died,
So do you think I’ll cry when she's gone?

So desperate I answered an ad in the personals,
Hopin' to find me a date.
A good-lookin' non-smokin' full-figured Leo
Was lookin' to find her a mate.

We hit it off, we got it on,
My love was growin' so strong,
Then I started seein' a side of that woman
I should have seen all along.

(Repeat first two stanzas)

I can't believe I just didn't see,
The writing there on the wall.
Listenin' to those Barry Manilow records
Was just one of her character flaws.

Sometimes she was rude, and naturally crude,
But this good ol' boy let it pass.
But when she cussed in front of my mama,
I told her she could kiss my . . . .

(Repeat first two stanzas)

She never cried when Ol' Yeller died,
And I ain't gonna cry when she’s gone.

I can also unreservedly recommend the group's later song "Bill's (Honky-Tonk Pickin', Line-Dance Kickin', Razorback Stickin', Barbecue Chicken) Laundromat, Bar and Grill", where the house band is described like this: "The lead guitar was like a chainsaw, the fiddle like a power drill." If you're wondering, Bill's is on Highway 49 in Arkansas.

Posted by Dr. Weevil at December 29, 2002 03:25 PM

And people say there's no poetry to country music. Philistines.

"Prop Me Up Beside the Jukebox If I Die" is a classic. Come to think of it, so is "Bubba Shot the Jukebox."

Hm. I like country jukebox songs. And funny ones. My favorite Garth Brooks song is "Friends in Low Places." Live version, of course.

Posted by: Meryl Yourish on December 30, 2002 01:16 AM

Aaargh. Why is it that my typo and grammatical mistakes only become obvious to me when someone else links me? I see I should have written the opening sentence as, "I propose that the following all be considered "Crimes Against America," and that we subject those heinous enough..." I'm gonna correct the original, anyway.

Still, apparently the point was made. And I loved the Confederate Railroad lyrics, although I've never heard the song. :-)

Posted by: Dean Esmay on December 30, 2002 11:07 AM

Don't tell the record companies, but maybe I'll send you an MP3, Dean.

Posted by: Dr. Weevil on December 30, 2002 11:24 AM