June 19, 2002
A Terrible Confession

How uncool is Dr. Weevil? Looking over Eric Olsen's latest list of Cool Tunes, I found that:

  1. I only recognized the names of two of the thirty artists listed, and that's two more than on his last list.
  2. There is only one (Steve Earle) whose album(s) I have ever owned or ever considered owning.
  3. I'm fairly certain that I have never heard any of the songs listed. (Maybe I should tune in next week.)

On the other hand, of the list of 203 Worst Country Song Titles! (link from No Watermelons Allowed), I have heard at least 30, like at least 25, and own at least 20. (Exact numbers are difficult to calculate, since most of my CDs are in a rented storeroom in Ohio.) Many of the others look like jokes, possibly written down but never commercially recorded.

I can also add some missing titles, for instance:

  1. "Another Man Loved Me Last Night" (Loretta Lynn)
  2. "Bedsprings And Wedding Rings (Don't Mix)" (Rudi Protrudi)
  3. "Bill's (Honky Tonk Pickin', Line Dance Kickin', Razorback Stickin', Barbecue Chicken) Laundromat, Bar, And Grill" (Bill's is in Arkansas, naturally -- Confederate Railroad)
  4. "Black Label And White Lies" (Confederate Railroad)
  5. "Cagey Bea" (her name is Beatrice and she's a Russian agent, get it? -- Junior Brown)
  6. "Cheatin' Heart Attack" (Dale Watson)
  7. "Come Back To Us, Barbara Lewis Hare Krishna Beauregard" (John Prine)
  8. "Don't Our Love Look Natural (Lyin' There)?" (Del McCoury)
  9. "Don't Trade Your Old Fashioned Sweetheart (For A Honky Tonk Queen)" (Ernest Tubb)
  10. "Drink That Mash And Talk That Trash" (Flatt & Scruggs)
  11. "Go To Sleep, Conscience (Don't Hurt Me This Time)" (Ernest Tubb)
  12. "God Save The Queen (Of The Honky Tonks)" (Charlie Walker)
  13. "The Gold Rush Is Over (And The Bum's Rush Is On)" (Maddox Brothers & Rose)
  14. "Good Old Fashioned Saturday Night Honky Tonk Barroom Brawl" (Vernon Oxford)
  15. "(I've Got) High Friends In Places All Over Town" (Scott McQuaig)
  16. "Hold That Critter Down" (Maddox Brothers & Rose)
  17. "I Like My Chicken Fryin' Size" (Johnny Bond & his Red River Valley Boys)
  18. "I Only Meant To Borrow (Not To Steal)" (Charlie Walker)
  19. "If Hell Had A Jukebox" (it would include many of these songs . . . just kidding! -- Travis Tritt)
  20. "If I Had My Wife To Love Over" (Vernon Oxford)
  21. "If You Don't Quit Checkin' On Me (I'm Checkin' Out On You)" (Ernest Tubb)
  22. "I'm Bitin' My Finger Nails (And Thinkin', Dear, Of You)" (Ernest Tubb & Loretta Lynn)
  23. "I'm Gonna Sleep With One Eye Open From Now On" (Flatt & Scruggs)
  24. "Insured Beyond The Grave" (Louvin Brothers)
  25. "I Told You I Loved You In Thirty-Two Bars (Now You Can Buy Your Own Beer, Dear)" (Johnny Bond & his Red River Valley Boys)
  26. "Jesus And Bartenders" (they're the only ones who will always listen to your problems -- Lonesome Standard Time)
  27. "Life Goes On (I Wonder Why)" (Charlie Walker)
  28. "May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose" (Little Jimmy Dickens)
  29. "My Baby Don't Dance To Nothin' But Ernest Tubb" (Junior Brown)
  30. "My Heart Was Trampled On The Street" (Louvin Brothers)
  31. "My Wife Thinks You're Dead" (Junior Brown)
  32. "Redneck Romeo" (Confederate Railroad)
  33. "So Cold, So Dead, So Soon" (Roy Hogsed, best known as author of "Cocaine Blues", made famous by Johnny Cash)
  34. "So Round, So Firm, So Fully Packed (That's My Gal)" (Johnny Bond & his Red River Valley Boys)
  35. "Stalkin' After Midnight" (changing one word in a Patsy Cline classic makes for a really sick song -- Rudi Protrudi)
  36. "Take An Old Cold Tater And Wait" (Little Jimmy Dickens)
  37. "Tell Her Lies And Feed Her Candy" (Charlie Walker)
  38. "There's A Bottle Where She Used To Be" (Carl Smith)
  39. "(Yes, I Admit, I Got A) Thinkin' Problem" (Dale Watson)
  40. "Time Off For Bad Behavior" (Confederate Railroad)
  41. "Too Old To Cut The Mustard" (Ernest Tubb)
  42. "Truck Drivin' Cat With Nine Wives" (Charlie Walker)
  43. "(She's) Venom Wearin' Denim" (Junior Brown)
  44. "Walkin', Talkin', Cryin', Barely Beatin' Broken Heart" (Highway 101)
  45. "Wine Me Up" (Ernest Tubb)
  46. "Won't You Come Home (And Talk To A Stranger)" (Ernest Tubb & Loretta Lynn)
  47. "Yes, I Guess They Oughta Name A Drink After You" (John Prine)
  48. "You Were Right From Your Side (And I Was Left From Mine)" (Joy Lynn White)
  49. Best of all: "Ya Ba Da Ba Do (So Are You)" (a much better song than the title would lead you to expect -- George Jones)

All this without even considering the Austin Lounge Lizards . . .

(Nineteen titles added 11:00 AM the same day.)

Posted by Dr. Weevil at June 19, 2002 01:13 AM

Thanks Doc, Hey, with your country leanings, you should check out Chuck Prophet, who is amazing and very Western, though in a PoMo melting pot manner.

Also, there is no reason to feel uncool - these are mostly new releases, though surely you have heard of a band called "The Who."

Also in a twangy vein, Ray Wylie Hubbard is a Texas singer/songwriter and the collection it comes from is good. The Delbert McClinton is form a great tribute to Townes Van Zant, another Texas singer songwriter who died pretty young. I'm sure you have heard Willie Nelson's version of "Pancho and Lefty."

Keep in mind, I haven't heard of a lot of these until I get them. Allow your feelings of coolness to return.

Posted by: Eric Olsen on June 19, 2002 11:21 AM

Dude, i forgot to mention, the reason there is a link for the the Mr. T Experience is that their lead singer is Dr. Frank!! I believe you know that guy.

Posted by: Eric Olsen on June 19, 2002 11:25 AM

'Substitute' also has the line 'I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth,' which is certainly deserving of being part of the 'all-metaphor' team.

Speaking of metaphors, I'm right now listening to the blues show on WRNR, Annapolis MD, which reminds me of another candidate for the all-metaphor team (sorry--don't remember performer or title),

"I'll take you back...when James Brown ain't funky, and when King Kong ain't a monkey!"

Posted by: bro steve on June 19, 2002 09:48 PM

That's killer Steve.

Posted by: Eric Olsen on June 19, 2002 11:36 PM