April 02, 2002
Letter to Yasser

April 2, 2002

Dear Chairman Arafat:

I keep reading how eager you are to be martyred for the Palestinian cause, and how disappointing it is to be constantly cheated of your hopes to be a "Martyr! martyr! martyr!", to quote your own words. To help you in this difficult situation, I thought perhaps I should pass on some useful advice from a very knowing American of my acquaintance.

What follows is a simple twelve-step program for the do-it-yourself martyr, adjusted to fit your particular situation. The percentages in parentheses give my estimate of the cumulative chance of successful martyrdom at each stage: for instance, there is only a 2% chance that step 1 will suffice -- Israeli troops are fiendishly well-disciplined -- but there is a 55% chance that you will not have to go past step 7 to achieve martyrdom. Here is what you must do:

  1. Leave the windowless room in which you have been living for the last several days -- it must be getting pretty rank in there -- and move to a room with windows that face the Israeli snipers. From news reports, I gather that that would be just about any window in your headquarters. (2%)
  2. Stick your head out the window. (5%)
  3. Make obscene and offensive gestures at the Israeli troops, while shouting abuse at them. I understand that your vocabulary is quite extensive when it comes to obscenity and invective. (9%)
  4. Drop your pants and 'moon' the Israeli troops. You may be bashful about this, perhaps wondering "Is my butt too big? Is it too hairy?" Don't worry: for this purpose, the bigger and hairier, the better. Yours is fine. (28%)
  5. I've noticed that you always carry a pistol, even when addressing the U.N. General Assembly. Take it out of your holster and point it out the window. (39%)
  6. Aim your pistol at any one of the IDF soldiers surrounding your headquarters and pull the trigger. (51%)
  7. Although Israeli thieves have stolen dozens of your AK-47s and Norwegian sniper rifles, I'm sure you still have a few left. Pick one up and point it out the window. (55%)
  8. Aim your Kalashnikov at the largest visible group of IDF soldiers, pull the trigger, and keep firing until you run out of bullets or achieve your primary goal. (69%)
  9. Find the most impressive weapon left in your arsenal -- perhaps an anti-tank missile? -- and point it out out the window. (76%)
  10. Aim it at an IDF tank or armored personnel carrier and pull the trigger. A helicopter would be even better. If none of these is visible, a truck or bulldozer will do. (91%)
  11. Strap on a "Killers 'R' Us" official PA prepackaged batteries-included bomb-belt, walk out the front door of your headquarters, or one of the convenient holes made by the Israeli bulldozers, and head for the largest visible group of IDF soldiers.
    In selecting a bomb belt, do not hesitate to wear one of the cute new pink "Bomber Bimbo" models, if they are the only ones left. You won't be wearing it long, and no one would ever dare question your masculinity -- at least while you are wearing it, if you see what I mean.
    In the unlikely event that you are entirely out of bomb belts, just put on an overcoat and stuff a pillow or wadded-up jacket underneath to represent the bomb. I hate to tell you this, but years of luxury and corruption have left you rather plump, so it should be a large pillow, just to make sure. Some random wires sticking out in various places, as if from Richard Reid's shoe, would add verisimilitude.
    When leaving the building, be sure to keep at least one hand deep in your pocket, either clutching the detonator or pretending to do so, as the case may be. A gun in the other hand would be a nice touch. Try to walk like Clint Eastwood, though you don't really have the figure for it. (99%)
  12. Push the button. (100%)

Your martyrdom will achieve several worthy goals:

  1. The long-suffering Palestinian people and their allies in the Arab world and among the Euroweenies will be stirred to new heights of self-righteous indignation and genocidal frenzy. If you make it to step 11 or 12, they may even gather up the bits and pieces and save them as sacred relics, or for good luck. Depending on the Israeli choice of armaments, this could also happen if a previous step turned out to be the last.
  2. If you make it to step 11 or 12, you will be able to show the world once again what shameless hypocrites the Israelis and Americans are. They claim to disapprove of suicide bombing, but trust me: they will not object to this one. In fact, they will probably even dance in the streets to celebrate it, like the pigs and monkeys they are.
  3. Seventy-two lucky virgins will be granted the honor of servicing the great Arafat himself for all eternity. They are undoubtedly looking forward to this and should not be kept waiting, though all the other virgins will be terribly jealous. Perhaps you can arrange to receive more than the statutory 72. Facilitating so many other martyrdoms should certainly entitle you to a larger share, and rank has its privileges: you are 'the Chairman'. If all the men whose martyrdom you have arranged give you 10 or 15 of their virgins, you would have hundreds, and they would still have plenty. Whether you want the female martyrs also to give you some of their virgins is a matter of taste. As the song says, "forever is a long, long time", and you may eventually find yourself hankering for a little more variety in your posthumous love-life than a strictly heterosexual harem would provide. But that is of course entirely up to you.
  4. Best of all, you will finally have a definitive answer for all those who think, and sometimes even say, that you are a coward. You know the kind of thing these terrible people say: that you lack the guts to risk your own life, that you care more about money and power than about the lives of your fellow Palestinians, that you have "always . . . been full of willingness to sacrifice – other people", but never yourself. I know it is hard to believe, but some of these people -- Jews and Americans, I'm sure -- even question your intelligence, saying that the great Arafat ought to be able to figure out how to do something that dozens of semiliterate and drug-addled Americans do every year. Even when their judgment is impaired by congenital stupidity and astonishing quantities of alcohol, those who follow the simple steps outlined above seldom have any trouble achieving what is called "suicide by cop". In fact, though American policemen are practically unarmed compared to the mighty IDF, these people rarely have to go beyond step 6. And they almost never have any access to high explosives.

I trust that you will find my advice useful, and sincerely hope that you will act upon it as soon as possible. In doing so, you will make the world a better place for everyone except a very few thoroughly evil people.

Sincerely yours,
(signed) Dr. Julius Weevil

Posted by Dr. Weevil at April 02, 2002 10:10 PM