March 29, 2002
Paradise For Ladies

Another young woman has blown herself up in Israel, this time a 16- or 18-year-old (depending on the source) whose name I will not record. She detonated herself in a grocery store and took two innocent people with her.

My understanding of the rewards for Islamic martyrdom is that male suicide bombers are not only rewarded with a harem of 72 virgins, but their own manhood is supernaturally enhanced to handle them, while the virginity of their partners is restored after every sexual act.

If true, this raises a couple of not-very-funny questions:

1. Does a female martyr get 72 male virgins? (I don't suppose hot Lesbian sex is a likely reward in Islamic Paradise.) And is their virginity also restored every night? If so, then our latest bomber can look forward to an eternity having sex with clumsy and incompetent men who don't know what they're doing, and whose eagerness is likely to be (shall we say) much too eager for her satisfaction -- in short a Groundhog Day of sexual ineptitude. I'm not a woman, but this sounds a lot more like Hell than Heaven to me. All the more so if her own virginity is restored every night.

2. The idealization of serial defloration as the highest pleasure for a man is disturbing. Four wives suffice for a live Muslim, but a dead one apparently needs 72. Does the martyr deflower them all every night? Or is it just that it's nice to have a choice --a few blondes on Monday, a dozen almond-eyed brunettes on Tuesday, a redhead or two on alternating Thursdays, that kind of thing? Or does he just start with three or four like a live Muslim, and move on to others as century stretches into century and he starts to get bored?

To get to my main point, these questions are not just lame attempts to lighten a horrible situation. Catholics have been putting up with jokes about patent leather shoes and vicious ruler-wielding nuns for many years. Such jokes may even have done some good, helping to loosen the Church up a bit. Perhaps one of the things that the Muslim world needs now is some cruel satire -- preferably by knowledgeable insiders -- of the creepier aspects of Islamofascist sexuality.

Posted by Dr. Weevil at March 29, 2002 10:00 PM